Wednesday, 29 May 2013

The Pyramids are an Analogy for Life

When I was a young man I was sitting in a cafe in, sort of. Ripped jeans and I had long, longer hair then. And this old man looked at me and said why are you dressed like that. And I said to him. Well, you know. Because it's comfortable. And after that we got chatting and he said. The meaning of life. There's an analogy when they were building the pyramids. You see the ones at the bottom are huge, sort of, this big, bigger you'd have to really climb up them. And that's the beginning of your life. And then the older you get, the higher up you get, the stones get smaller and smaller until at the top they're sort of like little steps. And he said the design was meant as an analogy for life – it gets easier the further along you get. 

Monday, 13 May 2013

The Witch.

In the 1800's there was this um. A lady and. The monks thought she was a witch so. Burnt them at the stake and then. Um. She was buried at the Priory church then she came alive again. And the. Things stared happening like. Um. When the she went to church the books started burning and the candles. Stopped working. And then um so. They. They put her in a glass bottle and buried her in the Priory church and now she's there. So you need to. Well no-one's found the bottle yet but there. Um. So you need to be. Um. 'Cause you. 'Cause her spirit will open. Yeah. 

Friday, 10 May 2013


I'll tell you the story of how I was conned in the street in Brixton. Yes. So I was errr I guess I was still new in town. And errr. I was coming back home from a night, night out. Walking back from Brixton and err I think I was was feeling quite err pleased with myself 'cause earlier on there was a bit of an incident, where this boy was very unhappy and I managed to talk him out of erm star-starting a fight. So I thought I was all very streetwise and in err in business. And these guys stopped me it was about three or four o'clock in the morning and he stopped me and he asked me if I had some 50p coins 'cause he needed 50p coins and he he he could give me the money in pound coins and he showed me his pound coins, and as I was. Taking my wallet out I thought that's a bit weird this was before mobile phones but still you'd use 20ps for the phone, telephones not. 50ps anyway but he was asking and I was looking and I had some 50p coins and I gave them to him and then he said erm. Thank you. And put them in his pocket. I said can I have your pound coins instead and he said no I'm not giving them to you and I said what do you mean, you said you would. And he said I conned you. I'm not. That's my money now and I said that's not your money, it's my money, and you said you were going to give me these three pound coins that you said. Errr. And he said do you not understand? That's it, I conned you. And if you ask for it I'm gonna slash your throat and he threatened to take his knife out. And I was er a little bit afraid at that point. actually. He was quite a big guy. But also I somehow didn't think that he was going to pull a knife out. And I. Also thought it probably not a good idea to check. So there was this strange situation where I stood, I still stood next to him and. Still. Thought that I-I. Couldn't just let it go and walk away. And err I said one more time that I don't understand how he could do that and I-I. Took a cigarette out and he asked me if he could have one and this, this strange situation where we then shared a cigarette and a little chat, and I think even a little, a-a, a little drink that I had in my flask and err. After a few minutes erm I-I though well ok, it's time to go now and I said before I left uhm. So do you think I'll be fine walking all the way from here to Camberwell now at this time you know and he said yes yes you'll be alright, don't worry, but you know that ten pounds that I saw in your pocket, keep it hidden. That's the story of how I was conned. 

Thursday, 9 May 2013


Because we can sit downstairs and there'll be noone else in the house and there'll be doors shutting and people running up and down the stairs and people knocking on the wall and. Constantly. Oh yeah and I get poked quite a lot. No, it makes me feel really calm. It's usually when. Something's gonna go wrong. Not a a massive thing but, something, might go wrong, there's normally people around me the night before. And I feel really really. Unusually calm. Kind of ready for. Whatever's gonna happen I can't explain it. Uhm. What happened before? Oh one day we had three things happen the dog got away, the kitchen completely flooded. From the dishwasher and it ruined the couch as well, but I laughed. I don't know why I was almost prepared for it. Oh and like we thought it was my daughter as well actually and um. I came home and it all went on again I don't know, even know what it was that time, like people up and down the stairs if I shout can you go away 'cause I've had enough, it stops. But sometimes I just leave them and they just run about the house whoever they are, I don't know who they are. And light bulbs explode. I don't want it investigated I just let it carry on yeah yeah more than they can stay wherever they want it doesn't bother me. I'm not frightened of them. I think it's my Nan. I think, I just, I don't know why. It's just a feeling I get when they're around it's just the same kind of feeling I got when my Nan was around so. I'm not scared. At all. They can stay. More can come if they like. I don't mind.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Imogen (A Story And A Song)

This is a folk story from. India. And. It's called. A Story and A Song. And it's about a woman who knew a story and a song and this is why I think it could be relevant because it's about. Anyway she knew a story and a song. She hadn't told them for such a long time and they'd become. Buried in... side her. And. This woman lived with her husband and one night she'd gone to sleep and her husband had gone out to work. And the story and the song that were buried inside her decided that because they hadn't been told for such a long time they were going to come out of her and take revenge on her. So they did as she was sleeping this this story came out of her and became a pair of in the shape of a pair of men's shoes and went to stay by the door. And the song came out in the shape of a man's coat and it went to stay by the door. And the woman stayed sleeping she didn't know about any of this. So when the man came home he saw he saw the. Shoes and the coat by the door and he said to her, who's coat and shoes are these he said she said I don't know, they're nothing to do with me. And he didn't believe her so he got angry with her and they had an argument, and he accused her of being unfaithful to him. And she felt very sad and he left for the night and he went to the tree in the uh in the village. And in that tree in that village at night when everybody goes to sleep the lanterns leave their homes, go, and make their way to the tree to sleep. And when they get there they tell stories and they gossip and erm. On that particular night their, the lantern from their house was late because they'd had an argument he'd been up late so he couldn't leave until much later so eventually when he got to the tree the other lanterns said to him why are you so late. And he said oh there's been an argument in the house and the. Other lanterns said why and he said. Because. The woman knew a story and a song but she hadn't told them for so long that she'd forgotten them and they decided to take revenge and they came out of her in the shape of a pair of shoes and a coat and they went to hang themselves by the door so when the husband came home he saw them and he was angry with his wife and he accused her although she didn't know anything about it he said she'd been unfaithful. And. The man was sleeping at the trees and he heard all this. And he realised she hasn't been unfaithful so he rushed home and he went to her, his wife and he said I'm sorry I know you haven't been unfaithful I know what these, these things are tell me your stories sing me your song. And she couldn't because she'd forgotten them. They'd left her forever. 

Tuesday, 7 May 2013


Ok. Hi. Uhm. I got a story to tell. It's. Kind of a. Uh. Well it's a bit historic. I can kind of make it up so here we go err. Once upon a time there there is there was a castle uh. And there was a little boy who. Err. He liked to sneak into the castle from like the. Town, he used to like sneak into the castle. And one day he sneaked into the castle and he saw a hole and he said. That's odd, I don't remember that being here. And then. After that. He went down. And he found. This huge. This book. This. Err. Terrible. Large book it was about this big. And uh it. Was. And then he decided to take it home he. Lifted it as haaaard as he could 'cause he was only little. All the way to home and he read. The whole book. It taught him everything, all the secret passages in the castle. And then one time he was he counted all the secret passages and he got quite rich 'cause there was quite a bit of money and he went to the last one. And he found a tunnel. And through the tunnel he saw. A whole new world. And then he walked into it and went through all the bushes and. He found. Another castle. And. There was. Kind of. It was kind of for the king when he goes on relaxing time. And somebody and then somebody said what are you doing here you don't look like you're from this world. He said he was looki- he was interested in what was. The castle. And stuff. And he told a story. And he was took to the castle as the bravest lad. And then. he. He took. His parents there. And they became respected people. Because. When he grew up he defeated a dragon that burdened the land. And so. He took. So. He tried hard. Harder. And made the world into another world. But then. it. The world was still seen. Up until World War Two. When. The bombs started. And err. Well. It was a historic place at the time and all of that had been blocked out nobody could go there because nobody knew of it and the person who went in there was a child he was in there. For ages he was he he he even if he was there the same night he was eighty now and then it was 'til. He was. And then the war came and err bombs dropped. Down and blew the place up so absolutely nobody could get in. but then later nowadays. Somebody dug it up and. Dug and dug with a good excavation team. And then he found. The land again. And went down. The staircase. And the king had died by then. He became the new king. Of the land. And he introduced this world to that world and mixed them together to create. A secret world. But that. But that. But then. The people. Of that world. Disappeared out of that world. And that's where all the disappearing people go to. Yeah. 

Thursday, 2 May 2013

The Cypriot (name witheld)

1975. I was in the army in Cyprus. And. We had. Just been. Asked to leave the army camp by our superiors and go back to our villages. And to our towns. And the reason for this was that ah we couldn't do anything about the invasion of the Turkish army. Ah. We couldn't stop them taking half the island but we could try and stop them taking our, our towns. So I went back with fifteen other chaps who. Were also from our town. And we got into the town and, and the next day ahm the Turkish army was advancing towards it and this is a town very near to Nicosia, the capital city. And at, and the Turkish army was well....organised and tanks and pretty much everything ahm. We. On the other hand. Were just. With our army gear really. Rifles, machine guns, pretty much that was it, few grenades. And we had to hold our town. So in order for the Turkish army not to take the town. What we did was set up four posts to one side of the town which is the only way that the army could come in and we would fire all the time. Constantly at the, uh at the army and this is. Not firing close range this is firing probably half a mile to three quarters of a mile away. So as for them not to know who we were. Ahm. How many of us there was. And in the evening, my what I thought I would do would. Turned out to be a good idea. we. Myself and another guy had ripped off an exhaust off a car. Uhm. And got the people to that owned the car to drive it up and down the road. And we did that to three different cars in three different parts of the town. And at night. The town is actually surrounded by fields, it's a very small town it's, it's almost a big village and at night that noise travels. And there's no street lights. And the lights were all out in the centre of the town as well. It sounded like we had tanks in the town. The next day. The army moved on. And went around our, our town and took the foll-, ah took the village that was about two miles away from us. So we actually sa- saved the town. It's a true story. I've got better ones than that.