Friday, 3 July 2015

Tinder Date.

On Monday I went on a first date with a man I met on Tinder. We met in a pub. After a couple of drinks we moved on to a restaurant. He bought me dinner. We strolled arm in arm on the South Bank. He walked me to the train station, where we kissed. It wasn't earth-shattering, but all in all it was a fairly standard Pleasant Evening.

The next day, I received the following message from him (be warned, it gets pretty nasty).

Hey Michelle, sorry been super busy at work today hun.

Thanks for a wonderful evening last night. I really enjoyed your company and actually adore you. You're cheeky and funny and just the sort of girl I would love to go out with if only my body and mind would let me. But I fear it won't.

I'm not going to bull***t you... I f***ing adore you Michelle and I think you're the prettiest looking girl I've ever met. But my mind gets turned on my someone slimmer.

Shallow? It's not meant to be. It's the same reaction you get when you read a great author or see an amazing image, or listen to a piece of music you love, it has that instant reaction in you that makes you crave more.

So whilst I am hugely turned on by your mind, your face, your personality (and God...I really, really am), I can't say the same about your figure. So I can sit there and flirt and have the most incredibly fun evening, but I have this awful feeling that when we got undressed my body would let me down. I don't want that to happen baby. I don't want to be lying there next to you, and you asking me why I'm not hard.

There are certain triggers that fire my imagination into life and your wit and intelligence are the beginning of that process which would inevitably end up in the bedroom. With just one result....

I'm so disappointed in myself Michelle because I've genuinely not felt this way about anyone in ages, but I'm trying to be honest with you without sounding like a total knobhead.

We could be amazing friends, we could flirt and joke and adore each other and.... f*** me... I would marry you like a shot if you were a slip of a girl because what you have in that mind of yours is utterly unique, and I really really love it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to avoid bigger pain in the future by telling you now so we don't have to go through that embarrassment. I'm a man... With all the red hot lusts of a man and all the failings of a man and I'm sure of my own body and its needs.

Please try and forgive me. I adore you xx

It's taken me a few days to sit down and respond. I've been busy.

Dear Man I Met On Tinder.

I was on another date when I received your message. He returned from the loo to find me in a flood of tears. He was lovely, but baffled, and hasn't been in touch since, funnily enough.

You don't have to fancy me. We all have a good friend who we look at ruefully and think “you're lovely, but you just don't tickle my pickle”. We wish we were attracted to them, but our bodies and our brains don't work like that. And that's fine.

What isn't fine is the fact that, after a few hours in my company, you took the time to write this utterly uncalled-for message. It's nothing short of sadistic. Your tone is saccharine and condescending, but the forensic detail in which you express your disgust at my body is truly grotesque. The only possible objective for writing it is to wound me.

And I'm ashamed to say, for a few moments, it worked. You stirred a dormant fear that every woman who was ever a teenage girl has – that it doesn't matter how funny you are, how clever, how kind, how passionate, how loyal, how determined or adventurous or vibrant – if you're a stone overweight, no one will ever find you desirable.

I like the way I look. I don't look like Charlize Theron, and that's fine - I look like me, and I like myself (I'm sure I'd like Charlize Theron, too if I ever met her. I hear good things).

You may think are all my profile pictures are "FGASs" (That's Fat Girl Angle Shots – pictures from angles that slim and flatter the girl. Because men only ever use candid, brutally-lit, unfiltered pics). But I think they're a fair representation. And I'm pretty upfront about who I am: I describe myself as a woman who loves pizza, and include links to myInstagram page, where I have the #everybodysready bikini shots I took on my 30th birthday. I like to think I come across as a confident, happy woman. But could this be the very reason you have targeted me? Did you see me and think “She has far too high an opinion of herself, she needs bringing down a peg or two”? I have to ask - we all know the internet is a dangerous place to be a woman with opinions (I discovered this first hand when I ventured a response to those obnoxious bloody adverts).

I showed your message to friends who expressed shock, horror, embarrassment on your behalf, and a desire to cause you actual physical harm. One male friend told me I have a lovely bottom “if unmarriageable”. I laughed with them. Then I cried in my Slimming World group. That's right! Slimming World! You see, I already KNOW that I'm overweight. I can tell you exactly how overweight I am – 20 pounds. I've already lost 15, and I've a stone and a half to go. I'm happy with that. I will get rid of it, safely and healthily. Does that mean that I can't love and enjoy my body now? F*** no.

I'll never see or hear from you again (you may feel the need to respond to this blog. Please don't. There's nothing you can say that will make me think that you're not a disgrace to your gender).

What truly concerns me, the real reason I'm responding so publicly, is the fact that you have a 13 year old daughter. A talented illustrator, who collects Manga comics and wants to visit Japan as soon as possible.

I want you to encourage your daughter to love, enjoy, and care for her body. It belongs to her and only her. Praise her intellect, and her creativity. Push her to push herself and to be fearless. Give her the tools to develop a bomb-proof sense of self-esteem so that if (I'll be kind. I'll say “if”.) the time comes that a small, unhappy man attempts to corrode it, she can respond as I do now.


P.S. “Slip of a girl”? CHRIST ALIVE, that's creepy.

P.P.S. You're not 5'11


  1. Dear girl who went on a Tinder date with a knob. I would hug you and kiss you on both cheeks (because I'm that kind of a guy). Nobody gave the knob the right to say those things. What an uncaring, thoughtless bastard he is. You don't deserve that pain. He doesn't deserve to have had an evening in your company. What he said goes way beyond honesty, and is up to its neck in venom and spite.

    Dear knob who went on a Tinder date with a bright, witty, intellectually your superior. You are a knob.

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  2. What a self centred little gobshite. "My mind won't let me.." Is a very telling extract I feel. His mind is so concerned with what is pushed as an "ideal" body type that even though he fancies you his penis (these are well known for listening the the brain after all) would fail to act correctly. I don't buy into his argument that it's like loving an author bullshit either. I've slept with men who haven't done much for me from a solely physical viewpoint but they've been funny, caring and interesting and that's always a big turn on. More then abs in my view. I'm sure he'll meet the right girl and they can prop up each other's insecurities together and lead perfectly miserable lives.

  3. "without sounding like a total knobhead." You failed, Simon. Great blog, beautiful response.

  4. This is a terrific response. In case it helps, I wrote this last year about similar behaviour: "When your lover says you're ugly, it's a low down lie."

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  6. You're not fat. He is a complete nob. Forget about him. X

  7. fantastic riposte, the man is a complete tool, If he cannot see the obvious beauty in front of him then he needs his bumps read. odious little man. good luck to you and your daughter Michelle. Foxy.

  8. You are beautiful.

    The End.

  9. People need to stop making others feel guilty because they don't fill the criteria of what *they* find attractive. If you like a certain look, then go for others with that look. Don't critisise people because they don't have that look. I've received a few messages on online dating sites from guys telling me that I should change certain things about my appearance ('wear less eyeliner', 'why is your hair that colour?'). But why change who I am in order to date one idiot when there are plenty of guys who will like me just the way I am?

    Great post, this stuff needs to be addressed and not ignored.

    Amani x

  10. Because he was a cross between Brad Pitt & George Clooney & every woman instantly falls head over heels in love with him , right ?

    One one hand he was presumptuous thinking that you would want to marry him after one date , on the other hand

    HE WAS A KNOB !!!!!!

  11. You are gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Your mind is sharp, your courage is pure and your wit is sharp. Your eyes are bright and full of life and joy, your smile is warm and seems to light up your pictures.. Inside and out, just beautiful.

    This guy is a douche.

  12. You're awesome and he's not :)

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  14. Tinder is cool, but I feel like the pairing model is kind of limiting. It's quite hard to have a 1-on-1 conversation with a person you barely know. I have a side-project, which is kind of Tinder for group chats, where you swipe on conversation topics. Swipe right and you join a group chat with people interested in the same topic. If you meet someone interesting you can slide into DMs :) Feel free to check it out - Campfire Chat
    Here is an example of mini-community group chat: Naruto Fanfiction Community
    I'm not sure it as great as Tinder for dating though, especially because it's not location based and you kind of want people nearby for dating.

  15. Sounds like a porn sick wanker to me. If you had 'met his standards' he would of only wanted you to join in his porn karaoke.

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