Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Tour de France.

So right errr I've got a really good scar right on my ankle which I would show you. But I can't I can't 'cause I've got tights on. Don't wanna take me tights off. But I've got a really good scar on my ankle I really like scars. 'Cause they 'cause they tell a story. So it's about this big. You can't see that on your thing but it's about the size of that ten. Ten centimetres. Shut up I'm being interviewed knob jockey. Knob jockey! Love that word. Erm. And so basically when I was about four years old I used to live with my dad on part of the longest constant road in England. That longest constant road is now going to be used on the fourth of July 2014 for the Tour de France! And the tour de France is going past my Dad's house and we're gonna have a party. We have cyclists going past it all the time. So but let me tell you a darker side to the longest constant road. Oooooh de-de-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Well. Bells, that. Sinister bells. See that's the arc of the narrative. So. About four years old, primary school halfway down the hill down the hill me and my dad lived at the top of the hill. Me dad used to take me down on the back of his bike 'cause that's the tour de France route. Everyday for school he'd say do you want to take the car or shall we take the bike. And one. Fateful day. I decided. Bike. Now the way he'd take me down on the bike. Was on. A towel. On the crossbar. Sidesaddle. Yeah. So there's my dad, there's handlebars, there's me flying down the road on a towel. Halfway down the hill to school. My. Little four year old leg gets caught in the spokes of the wheel. It's prosthetic. It is I can't show you though. I'm a bit embarrassed now. That's why I can't. I wear long skirts. My leg got caught in the spokes. Of the wheel. The bike ground to a halt and my leg was in it. Yeah. And my leg was broke in three places. Yeah. My dad broke his arm my dad went flying the bike ground to a halt and my dad went. He was a professional violinist and he never played the violin again. Then. Interestingly the parents of a boy I hated at school. Happened to be driving past. Uhm. And picked us up, they picked us up and took us to the hospital. And me and that boy had a bond from then on. But also I couldn't, because like. I was so little I was only a small child. I was about I was four I was four yeah. Almost five. Between four and five. I was four. But because I was so little they couldn't give me crutches because I was so. Wasn’t strong enough to lift up my own body weight. So I had to have a little bell and people had to carry me everywhere like to the toilet. I couldn’t walk for six weeks I had to have physio. Therapy like. Do all this stuff. Like. Year sixes in my village school like. Two year six girls were like. Employed to look after me at break time. But because I was a captive audience and I couldn't like go anywhere they used to like. Abuse me they used to make me eat soap. They used to dress me up in horrible clothes. And like. Used to make me like wee in front of them. But you know. Life moves on. I can't really ride a bike. Any more. Too psychologically scarred mate. Flippin' hell. It was this one. No. No that's a fib. They're both real I didn't really lose a leg but. Yeah.