White Crow.

Right. Right errr. I don't know what. What sort of story. Anything random. Right we was. We was walking d'ya know near the err. D'ya know the err Crystal Palace the old build- the old palace where that was built. We was walking down there and there was three crows. And they was all in the middle of the field like. Obviously there was. There was three crows and there was one big one. One massive crow and the dog ran and chased got hold and it got hold of this crow. But he didn't kill it he was just playing with it yeah and he was patting this crow about and this crow like just all it's feathers went bright white. All went bright white d'you know 'cause of shock 'cause of 'cause their feathers change 'cause of shock. And then we seen this crow like every single day for the past two weeks. D'you know like the same crow. The same crow like ev- yeah every every single day we seen the same crow what the dog was playing with. And every time he'd go over it'd fly off yeah. And it seemed like it was actually following us you know like trying to like. I don't know what's the word for it. Tryin'. Yeah like harass us exactly that. Exactly tryin' to get the dog back yeah tryin' to. Wind him up like flying in the sky tryin' to wind him up. But yeah yeah that was. I thought that was quite strange. That was in this park.

Soteira

Okaaay. Ahm. I didn't know what I wanted to do for a career when I left university so. I decided to volunteer to go on a mission boat that was sailing to the Canary Islands from Cornwall. Despite the fact that I'm not very religious. And. I. I also don't I'd never actually been on a boat before. And the boat was a hundred years old it was called Soteira which means salvation in Greek. And the people who were on. Were on it were obviously deep deep deeply religious. And we set out. Err probably in the spirit of blind faith into what was. A brewing storm. And. It got worse and worse and worse and. Was actually a force ten storm which is like a hurricane. Ahm. We got stuck in the Bay of Biscay which is like. A notoriously bad place to get stuck for four days. And. During which time. The boat completely fell apart. Ah the main sail tore in half. All of the bilge pumps which is what pumps the boat when it starts to fill up with water started to fail 'cause the electrics were wired badly. Uhm. All of the caulking came out of the panels so the boat leaked like a sieve and everyone got wet no one slept for five days. Ah one person got shell shock. Another person split their head open. Another person dislocated their shoulder. And two other English people died in the storm actually 'cause they'd set out in a much smaller boat. Ah but we eventually washed up in a place called A Coruna off Northern Spain five days later. And yes.

Llond bocs o ugeiniau ceiniog.

Wel. Pan o'n I o'n I'n. Llundain yn y. Coleg. Ag y. Er mwyn talu'n for' trw' coleg o'n i'n gweithio mewn bar yn Elephant and Castle. Lle eitha. Rough. Ar y pryd. Ond y. 'Neud y'n job yn digon da ges i'n g'neud yn Duty Manager so un dydd o'n I yna y. Rheoli dim ond fi a un hogan arall. O'dd yn hogan eitha. Bach fel fi hefyd. Ballet dancer so. O'n ni ddim rhyw. Lawer o iws. Os odd na unrhyw drwbl. Anyway odd hi'n eitha tawel lawr staer ag o'na. Ddau foi. ifanc yn dod a mynd i'r bar fyny staer. Dim problem. Odd hi'n eitha tawel. O'na pool table a felly o'n I just yn meddwl bod nhw'n chwarae a ga'l drinc be' bynnag. Wedyn. Rhyw. Chwarter awr wedyn nes I weld nhw'n mynd. Lawr y staer cefn y bar oedd yn eitha anghyffredin. Oh my god ma' hynna'n od, ma' 'na rhywbeth 'di digwydd man 'yn. So es I fyny'r staer. A. Odden nhw. Wedi. Torri fewn i'r pool table. Dwi'm yn gwybod sut ma rhywyn yn g'neud hynna. Wedi tynnu'r holl beth arian allan. A just 'di mynd a fo. Efo nhw. Allan trw'r drws gefn. So. Dyna lle o'n I a'r hogan fach arall yn mynd. Be 'dan ni fod I neud so. Goro. Ffonio'r heddlu a wedyn yr whole shebang fanno. Be' ma' rhywyn yn 'neud efo. Llond bocs o. Ugeiniau ceiniog. Just mynd mewn i'r banc. Pobol eitha. Od. I gael. Mae rhaid mi ddeud.

Magi a'r Lygoden Fawr.

Ti fydd rhaid 'i deud hi. Na. O. Ym. Magi. Efo'r lygoden fawr. Oedd. Wel weda'i wrtho ti be' oedd hwnnw. Ie. Wel. Ie. Wel. Magi oedd honno gwraig Elwyn wel' di. Ac oedd 'di bod yn chwys diferol. Yn cae gwair neu rwbeth. A. A mi ddo'th i'r ty wedi blino. A mi feddyliodd am fynd i'r bwtri odden ni'n cadw ym. Llaeth enwyn. Ar ol g'neud. G'neud ym. G'neud menyn wsti. Yn y bwtri 'ma. A Duwcs n'de. Ag w' ti'n gweld ma'. Ma' ym. Llaeth enwyn yn mynd yn. Yn. Yn mynd. Suddo lawr. Ma' o'n o'n ar y top 'sti. Ma' rhaid ti. I g'mysgu o cyn 'i. Cyn i yfed o i ti. I ti. Ga'l y. Y tew. A'r y. Y tenne'. Wel' di o'r llaeth enwyn 'ma. A mi a'th os gwel' di'n dda. A Duw. Mi fydd hi'n. Yfed. Lashed 'nde. Ag a'th hi'n nol i 'iste. Odd 'i'n gweld o'n. Mor dda. Mi ath hi'n nol wedyn. Mi ath hi'n nol. Y. Be' ti'n galw o. Second helping. A be' ddari 'blaw. 'Neud. Feddwl bod ganddi. Rhyw. Gadjeten. Yn troi'r. Beth. A Duwcs pan ddari. O'dd hi'n clywed rwbeth. Yn y gwaelod. A mi nath hi edrych a be nath hi ond codi. Efo'r. Llwy fawr ma neu be bynnag o'dd ganddi. A be o'dd hi. Llygoden fawr. Wel odd 'i'n. Odd 'i'n sal ar ol cofia. Oedd y ll'goden fawr ma' rhaid bod 'ne di fod drws 'n gored. A'th i mewn i'r bwtri a 'di boddi yn y llaeth enwyn 'ma. Ond ti fydd rhaid i deud hi cofia.  

Chronicles of Awkward.

This is kind of like. Kind of like a Caz is really awkward. Thing. I go. Go to this thing called five. Five rhythms it's like a. Like a dance. Um. It's like a dance movement thing you go. And you're in a room. And there's like about. A hundred and fifty other people in there. All just dancing however you want. And it's all very like tribal. Rhythmic like there's like. Staccato rhythm. And. There's like. Lyrical rhythm and you just dance. It's just free form dancing however you want. And it's awesome. The other day I saw a guy at at one of the. This is a side note. Not the actual. Story. But he had a tshirt on that said I am Awesome. And he looked like Jesus. And he was pretty awesome he was just like cutting sick on the dancefloor. Anyway. So. I was getting really onto it and I was working up a bit of a sweat and I was feeling a bit thirsty. And so. I went to. The sideline to like. Grab a drink of water. And I was 'cause this is like the day after I'd walked a hundred kilometres. So. I was. Don't know how I found myself in a room dancing after walking one hundred kilometres. I just thought this'll be awesome. So I went to the sidelines and was. Just like bopping along and the only. Dance move. That my legs. Could really cope with was. Wide standing with like my butt sticking out so. A bit like this. Like this. So I was doing that in the sidelines. Sticking my butt out shaking my butt really getting into it. Just while I was drinking my water. So I'm doing that. And I look down. I can see something moving at my feet. I look down. And there was a young teenage girl. Sitting reading her book. Right directly behind me. And so I was like. Grinding in her face. While she was trying to read her book. And I was like oh my god I was so embarrassed. I was just like. 'Cause I was getting so into it. That I was just like jiggling my butt right in her face. And she wasn't say she didn't say anything she just sat there with her book and she was just like. I just like turned around and I was just like. Oh my god I am so so sorry I'm so sorry and she was just laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing. Anyway. So. That's a. That was quite hilarious. 'Cause she probably. This little girl was probably. She probably goes along and sits on the sidelines while her hippy parents. Are like. You know dancing and prancing. While Purple and Sundance. Her parents. Are like. Ooooooh. So she's reading her book and then some old lady comes and sticks her arse. In her face. So. Just another one to add to my awkward chronicles. Chronicles of Awkward.